Allowing yourself to receive is paramount. Whatever you allow yourself to receive you will be better at giving, whether that is love, feedback, time, or energy. Receiving can also be hard. As leaders, we have a responsibility to receive as much as we give, whether that’s feedback, a courageously kind conversation, help, or love. Good leaders have practiced how to receive. If we only give, there is an implied superiority in that. If we only give, then we judge others for receiving, which can feel like a burden, as though allowing yourself to receive means being beholden to others.
Receiving and giving feedback means walking into the unknown without any guarantees. It is so much easier to withhold feedback. Much safer to sit in your comfortable chair and wonder why someone on your team does not “see” what you see and doesn’t change their actions. It is so easy to hope someone else will have the courage and ability to give feedback to another person. Or better yet, it’s naïve to hope they will take into account your subtle non-verbal cues. As a leader, you do not have the luxury of hoping and waiting for someone to receive feedback through some sort of supernatural telepathy. Nor do you have the luxury of believing you can absorb feedback via the same process. Feedback is a direct communication process that defines you as a leader, and this communication skill can share your team’s culture and work environment. Your team looks to you to model the desired team behaviors, and receiving feedback certainly is an opportunity for improvement in many teams. In my executive coaching sessions, I encourage leaders to be vulnerable in sharing about their experience with others. In addition to modeling how to receive feedback, I suggest they share specific examples of how and when feedback has gone well and owning it when it went wrong. Make no mistake, feedback conversations can be minefields. I have certainly had my share of challenges in this arena. One such situation was when a new client told me how much she loved direct and honest feedback. However, when the rubber met the road, the reality was the opposite than what I had expected. I needed to adapt fast to the reality of the situation.
Not all feedback moments are planned, and the receiver gets the choice on whether to create the space to hear feedback. I had an opportunity to witness an employee approach a senior leader who was at least 4 “levels” higher to extend their appreciation. First the employee kindly interrupted a conversation I was having with the senior leader to ask for a quick moment, and then, the employee shared feedback to the leader even though I was there. It was easy for me to fade back into the margins, as the employee started their conversation with “I want to take a moment to thank you for today…” The senior leader was incredibly responsive, she immediately pulled back from her computer and shifted her body to face the employee and gave her full attention. The employee shared how grateful she was for the interactions facilitated earlier by the senior leader, how much she had learned from the experience and thanked the senior leader for trusting in the employee. The senior leader was fully engaged in the conversation, responding with sincere words of encouragement, and fully accepting the feedback that was given by her subordinate in the chain of comment. That is what I mean by “creating the space.” Of course, this type of interaction is easy when the feedback is positive.
As I mentioned you have a choice to create the space to listen, engage and receive feedback. Try to think of it as a “gift” – even when it stings. When someone takes the time to carefully piece together thoughts, courageously approach a leader, there can be an Ubuntu moment, whether its solicited or not. You do not have to agree with the feedback “gift”, and you don’t always have to do anything about it, but can you… receive it1? Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen have written an amazing book “Thanks for the Feedback- The science and art of receiving feedback well*” and produced several web resources on this topic. I highly recommend this book as a team development tool, I have personally engaged in a couple great book studies on this topic, and Stone and Heen have provided a fantastic facilitator’s guide to accompany their book.
1I do want to differentiate from thoughtful constructive feedback and ranting or unleashing an array of venom in the spirit of “feedback.” Remember, the receiver should always have a choice in receiving feedback. There are definitely times when the spirit or intention of the feedback may be harmful, or you are not in the headspace in which to receive at that time. It is perfectly acceptable and encouraged to maintain the proper boundaries.
Receiving feedback is a skill. Feedback leads to knowledge. I will close with these thoughts from the first chapter in Proverbs (NIV).
2 To know wisdom and instruction,
to understand words of insight,
3 to receive instruction in wise dealing,
in righteousness, justice and equity,
4 to give prudence to the simple,
knowledge and discretion to the youth—
5 Let the wise hear and increase in learning,
and the one who understands obtain guidance,
6 to understand a proverb and a saying,
the words of the wise and their riddles.